Chapter Text
Nico read a surprising amount of Your Emotional Village: How Visualization Can Give Your Feelings a Voice, considering that his feelings were practically screaming at him to “accidentally” lose the book and skip out on the next meeting. He made it all the way until he found out that in his inner village, emotions were water. The sudden and horrible mental image of Percy sending a tidal wave through his inner village and leaving only mud and rubble made him close the book and go outside to hack a sparring dummy into little bits of cloth and straw.
He’d miraculously managed not to take his anger out on the book, though, and now it lay brightly in its stolen cover atop a messy pile of everyone else’s copies. Some had folded-down pages and wrinkled spines, some looked like they’d barely been cracked open. One was folded into the shape of a hedgehog. Together, they all gave the tempting impression of a bonfire waiting to happen.
“So,” Rachel said, gesturing at the pile. “Thoughts? Emotions?”
“Rage,” Leo said. “Hatred.”
“Confusion,” said Hazel. “Can my inner village look like anything, or does it have to have a water feature?”
“Hatred,” Leo said again. “Rage. Anger. All the anger.”
“You didn’t even read it, Leo,” Calypso said. Leo stuck his tongue out at her.
“Like you didn’t use yours for an origami project.”
“I did it while I was listening to the audiobook,” Calypso said. “Maybe I didn’t understand all the metaphors, but at least I read more than one chapter.”
“Hey,” Leo said. “I have dyslexia!” Nico raised his eyebrow at Leo because seriously, buddy, know your audience. He was pretty sure that everyone in the tent had been wishing that Emotional Village had an Ancient Greek and/or Roman translation. Thalia snorted.
“Yeah, it’s totally not like anyone else here has dyslexia,” Piper said.
Leo rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
“Alright,” Rachel said, looking a bit deflated. “Did anyone else read the whole book? And actually feel like they understood it?”
Only Frank and Reyna raised their hands. Rachel slumped until her hair covered her face and twisted her fingers together in her lap. Nico felt bad for her—it was awful to be excited about something and find out that everyone else thought you were stupid. Nico had years of Mythlomagic-related social trauma under his belt. He almost wished he’d read the stupid book.
“I read most of it,” Jason said quickly, “It was really good, I wish I could’ve read more, but I got this horrible migraine. I think I need to get a new perception.” Rachel perked up a bit. Nico wondered how much of what Jason said was true and how much was just to make Rachel happy.
“I really liked the part about how everyone’s emotional village is in civil war, and how I should think before adding my own soldiers to the fight,” Frank said. “It was a really interesting book, even if the metaphors did get a bit much towards the end.”
“I was having a hard time reading it,” Hazel said from her spot on the bed she so rarely used. “So Frank read ahead and highlighted his favorite parts. I learned that the houses in my inner village need to have a solid framework before I can make the roof.” Why hadn’t Nico been privy to Frank’s highlighting skills? He was Hazel’s brother, shouldn’t he get some kind of perks?
“Right!” Rachel said, looking much happier. “You need to dig the foundation before you make the A-frame.”
“You have to raze the old building before you can start a new one,” Reyna added.
“Dig the basem*nt before you pour the cement,” Frank said.
“Some streets are cobbled, some are paved,” Reyna countered.
“Let the emotional rain come to you, don’t go out looking just because you’re in a drought!” Rachel said excitedly. Nico remembered when he’d been like that, not even bothering to cover up his excitement under layers of cynicism and deflection. He didn’t know how Rachel had escaped the need to self-protect, but he was glad for her.
“Okay, this is not in the book.” Leo grabbed the nearest copy—Nico’s—and started flipping through.
“I felt like reading that book was unbalancing my emotional village,” Piper said with a completely straight face. “In the interest of self-help I was unable to finish it. Sorry, Rachel.”
“I didn’t even start it,” Thalia said. “Look, no shade, Rachel. It just seemed a bit woo-woo for me.”
“Yeah, and most mortals think that Greek Mythology is a bit woo-woo for them,” Rachel snapped. “No shade, Thalia, but the door is that way.”
“Hades!” Thalia said, holding up a time out hand. “Woah, okay, I’m sorry.”
“This club is founded on mutual respect and dialogue,” Reyna cut in. “We can’t speak cruelly to each other if we wish to be included.”
Thalia nodded, looking ashamed, and mumbled another sorry. Nico, who had spoken cruelly on multiple occasions and thought the club was founded on the premise of poor Nico, picked his book up from the pile and started skimming through the pages just for something to do.
“And what about you, Nico?” Reyna asked. “What did you think of Your Emotional Village?”
Nico shrugged. He could feel himself curling into a protective hunch under the pressure of everyone’s stares. “I dunno,” he said. “I mean, I’m glad it meant something to Rachel and you and Frank and everyone. I guess it just made me kind of sad.”
“Why did it make you sad?” Hazel asked gently.
Nico dug his fingernails into his palms. It didn’t help. “All that stuff about emotions and water,” he mumbled, hoping no one would hear it or if they did, they at least wouldn’t get it. All around him, people made understanding sounds. Damn it.
“Well, Nico,” Rachel said, in the kind of voice Nico associated with the school therapist he’d been forced to see at New Rome. “There are ways to deal with a flood, aren’t there?”
Nico sighed. “So I need to build an emotional dam and reroute my emotional river to keep my emotional village from emotionally drowning to emotional death?”
Rachel sighed too. “I was thinking you could make a boat.”
“Or I could just go live underground. I’ve done it before.”
“Nico,” Frank said gently. “Maybe emotionally walling yourself off isn’t the best way to deal with things?”
Like a switch being flipped, all of Nico’s hurt and embarrassment turned to white-hot anger. “Probably not,” he said, raising his head to stare at Frank and baring all his teeth in what could barely be called a grin. “Hey, Frank, why don’t you tell us about how your mom died?” Frank actually flinched. Nico co*cked his head to the side. “Aw, don’t emotionally wall yourself off. It’s just us. Why don’t you want to tell us every little part of your personal life? Got something to hide, Frank?”
“Nico!” Hazel said, shocked. She’d barely seen this side of him before. He’d grown out of it long before he met her, become a quiet teenager instead of a ghost king.
“What? If we’re going to be emotionally vulnerable, we should all be emotionally vulnerable. Flood those f*cking villages, huh?” He looked past her, to Piper. “Hey, Piper, I notice you’ve lost the eagle feather. Finally done some research and realized how offensive that is, huh?” Piper glared at him with black eyes. He gave her a sarcastic smile and turned to Leo. “Leo. I guess expecting an I’m sorry for letting everyone think you were dead would be a lot to ask. At least I only spent a couple weeks down there looking for you. And Reyna, hey, guinea pigs have a really short lifespan, right? Do you think all those guys you turned into guinea pigs are dead yet, or are some of ‘em still running around?”
“Stop,” Reyna said, looking shaken yet authoritative. “I know that you have been experiencing hardship, but this group must remain a safe space.”
“For everyone but me, right?” Nico said. “You guys are totally fine with making me talk about all the sh*t I’m going through, but the moment I turn it back on you I’m the problem. This Percy stuff is right now for me. I’m not talking to some of my best friends right now and all of you talking about how you’re so over him you are isn’t helping.” An oil slick on top of Nico’s emotional flood burst into flame. He blinked hard to hold back tears—sad, angry, or both.
“I didn’t know you looked for me,” Leo said softly. His hands were still; it looked unnatural. “I thought you hadn’t gone back since—“ he didn’t say the word, at least.
“Of course I looked,” Nico said. His voice wanted to crack but he wrestled it into submission. “You’re my friend.”
“And you’re our friend, Nico,” Hazel said. “That’s why we’re all here. We want to help.”
“Yeah, and I’m really grateful.” Nico looked around his cabin, at the misshapen circle of friends around the pile of books. He’d just hurt some of those friendships, maybe fatally. Guilt rose up in him like—like whatever was a metaphor for guilt in Rachel’s stupid book. “And I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things. You’re all such great people. I’m just…” He let the sentence fall. He was so many things, and none of them were great.
“It’s alright,” Reyna said. “I’m not angry.”
She should be. She should be pissed, maybe screaming, maybe throwing a spear or a punch. Nico knew how to deal with that. He didn’t know how to deal with this kind of pity. He’d never gotten it after his mother died, or his sister, and after Tartarus he’d been expected to immediately join the fight and shadow travel halfway around the world. Why should this stupid crush be any different? (Why had suffered through everything else alone?)
Nico wanted to scream. Instead, he took hold of his cane and achingly used it to pull himself upright. “It’s been fun,” he said, looking around the circle. At the books that Rachel had probably spent a fortune on. At his friends, all gathered together to support him when he barely even deserved to have friends. “I’ve loved seeing you, but it’s time for you to get back to your lives. The club is over.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Reyna said. “Still, I appreciate you giving it several weeks.”
“Aw, man,” Leo said. “Now when will I see you guys?”
“We’ll figure it out at the next meeting,” Piper said. Nico locked eyes with her. She stared him down. “It’s my meeting, I’ve been planning it for weeks. It’s the least you could do after all saying all that sh*t.”
It was hardly the least Nico could do, it was practically all he could manage. Still, he nodded. “Alright, fine. One more meeting.”
Piper nodded. “Okay. See you next week, Nico.” She took Jason’s hand from where he’d been sitting quietly in the corner, staring into space. “Come on, Jase. It’s over. No one’s angry. You don’t have to talk about anything, okay?” Cupid. Nico watched Jason walk robotically out the door after Piper and felt like something was ripping his chest apart. He hadn’t even thought before triggering a trauma Jason had felt safe enough to trust him with.
They left by ones and twos, holding their books or leaving them on Nico’s floor to stare tauntingly up at him, none of them talking. Eventually it was just Frank, Hazel, and Nico left awkwardly in the vast black room.
“Why don’t you go on ahead?” Hazel said to Frank, voice echoing against the stones. “I want to talk to Nico for a minute.”
“Okay.” Frank leaned down to kiss her on the cheek, and she squeezed him in a sideways hug. “See you later.”
“Hey,” Nico said as Frank passed him on the way to the door. “I’m really sorry.”
Frank nodded, mouth set in a firm line. “Look, I know you’re hurting, but there are some things you just don’t poke at.”
“I know.” Nico thought of Bianca, of his mother, of this stupid all-consuming thing with Percy. “I’m so sorry.”
Frank looked over his shoulder at Hazel, lounging on her bed. “I forgive you, for Hazel. And because you’re genuinely a good person. But don’t do it again.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Frank nodded again and walked out the door, and then it was just Nico and his little sister.
“Look, I already feel horrible,” he started, but she cut him off with a roll of her eyes.
“I’m not mad,” she said. “Nobody’s really that mad. If anyone has a right to snap and start yelling, it’s you. Besides, you apologized after like twenty seconds.”
“Still, I shouldn’t have—”
“Nope." She rolled over on her bed to cup her chin in her hands, and Nico sat cautiously down on the edge of his own black-sheeted bed. “No more guilt. It’s sibling time, let's chat."
“Fine. What are we chatting about?”
"Anything. You could tell me about college, or that book you've been reading, or Will..." She trailed off and raised her eyebrows meaningfully at Nico.
"Or you could tell me about something," Nico said, looking over her head at his blurred reflection and absolutely not feeling the urge to tell Hazel all about Will and the GSA meeting. What would they be doing next? Braiding each other's hair?
"Okay." Hazel took a deep breath. "Um, I actually used to like Percy too.”
“Oh, wow.” Nico wasn’t sure what to say to that. He leaned across the space between their beds to pat her on the arm in what was hopefully a comforting gesture. “Thank you for telling me, Hazel.”
“I know I should’ve said it on the first day, but everyone was there and Frank was right next to me and I was just in that space of it’s in the past. I guess I’d convinced myself that it was cheating on Frank to even look at anyone else, even before we were together. But after all these meetings…I don’t know, I feel a lot better about myself.”
“That’s so great,” Nico said, with all the enthusiasm he could. He honestly had no idea how any one could be getting anything out of these meetings other than an excuse to see friends.
“I’m sorry you don’t feel the same way.” She fixed him with her amber eyes, and he suddenly felt like his back was pressed up against a wall and his sword was out of reach. “You shouldn’t blame yourself for your feelings, Nico, and you shouldn’t blame us for wanting to help you.”
“I’m not blaming you, I just think—“
“What? That we’re all just throwing you some big pity party and groaning about it behind your back? We’re all here of our own free will. It’s our club as much as it is yours, even if you’re the reason it started. Calypso says she finally feels like she has friends, and Jason told me how great it’s been to spend more time with you, and I never get to see you since we started living in different dorms. It’s good for all of us, Nico. I think it’s even helping you.”
Nico thought about it. How the ball of anger and pain churning in his stomach had been ever so slightly unwound by knowing that other people—his friends—had been in the very same sinking ship. How he’d gone totally out of his comfort zone to hang out with Will at the GSA meeting. Was it because the meetings had somehow changed him? Because he felt supported?
“Look,” Hazel said. “I respect your wishes, but I don’t think they have a very firm foundation. We want to be here with you, Nico. All of us.” She patted him gently on the hand, telegraphing her motions to keep him from flinching. “Please just think about it.”
“Okay,” Nico said. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay.” Hazel smiled at him. “Can I have a hug?”
Nico sighed, overdramatic. “A gentle one.” Hazel got off the bed and bent down next to him to give him a gentle, gentle hug around his shoulders (avoiding the scar across his back). Nico squeezed her tightly around her neck. She was here. She was alive because of him. This, at least, he’d done right.
“Love you,” she whispered. He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come out. He settled for squeezing her tighter, hoped that she would absorb everything he felt through her skin.
Hazel pulled back. “Do you want me to stay, or do you want some alone time?”
“Stay,” Nico said, before he could enact his brain-to-mouth filter and realize that she probably wanted to hang out with Frank. “Only if you want to, though.”
“Of course I want to!” She grabbed a copy of My Emotional Village off the floor. “Who else is gonna make fun of this book with me?” She flipped to a random page. “‘Trust is like gold; valuable and difficult to gain.’” She snorted. “Yeah, for some people.”
Nico picked up a copy of his own and started flipping through pages of nonstop metaphors. “Did you see the part where they compared bad friends to cavities?”
“No! I don’t know why Frank didn’t highlight it. It sounds like high art.”
By roughly the fifth hackneyed metaphor, Nico was laughing. He’d almost forgotten what his own laugh sounded like. By dinner time, both he and Hazel had tears of laugher dried streakily on their faces.
“It’s so much fun hanging out with you,” Hazel told him as they walked down to dinner together.
“Yeah,” Nico said. “Once I get back to New Rome, let’s have a weekly date, okay? Just us.”
“Deal,” Hazel said, smiling up at him in the gleam of the flickering torchlight.
Nico smiled back and hoped he hadn’t just lied to his little sister.
